Today, I was chatting with an old friend; and, it came to pass that she has a Burger King fetish. Not that whoppers make her wet; but, that she finds The King sexy. I am sure all of you know of whom I reference. He is the character in modern, American Burger King commercials. He is superimposed over famous footage.
Well, this chick really digs him. Her number one fantasy is to have sex with a man wearing the Burger King mask. Being the resourceful individual that I am, she asked me to procure some Burger King porno for her. Just to give you background on my porno credentials, the only porno I am yet to find is necrophilia porn; and, depending on how important authenticity is to you, I have even found that. Of course, the mythical midget on midget porn has eluded me for quite some time; but, god willing, I will have it soon enough.
I start my search by searching for files named burger king porn. Nothing. I type in burger porn. Guess what shows up. A man fucking a hamburger. What the hell is this? Seriously, who gets off to this? This is akin to so called "weird" porn. The kind that has a chick giving birth to a fish or squatting on a cactus (or cacti as the case may be). It has no social redeeming value; and, after 30 or 40 viewings is no longer fun to watch.
What kind of a world do we live in, where a man (much like myself) can spend upwards of hours searching for porn; yet he gets stuck with some fat, greasy bastard sticking his dick in a hamburger. I know there are some weird fetishes (quite possibly from first hand experience), but what the fuck? Hamburger fucking? Who gets off on this? Fat people? This is completely nuts, too nuts for me; and, those of you who know me well, know that I have a high tolerance for nuts.
Where are the good ole days when you could download a file named XXX_porn_blowjon_interracial_lolita_downonthefarm_pigtails_mature_preteen_celebrity_anal_DP_midget_bizarre_XxX_fistfucking_gay_webcam_publicnudity_lesbian_porn.avi, and have it be something good (such as lesbians or 12 year olds). Nowadays, you get two fat Italian guys eating donuts; or better yet, some animated GIF with a Bible verse telling me that I am going to hell? The summation of this mental diarrhea is that internet porn is running out of ideas; and thus, is just making shit up that no one could jerk off too, let alone get the infamous, half flaccid, weak porno hard on over.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
My PIzza Experience Was Mismanaged!
So, today I decided that my need for nutrition would be satisfied with Papa John's pizza. I choose Papa John's because you can order online, and I fucking hate talking to people in person, let alone on the phone.
So, I hit up my usual order (pan pizza with pepperoni, black olives, pineapple and extra cheese). I get my confirmation e-mail that it will be delivered, hot to my door, in 45 monutes or less. They conveniently leave out the "or free" clause. This way they can show up late as fuck and tell you to sit on it. I hate those corporate, money grubbing cocksuckers. I should be entitled to free shit if my pizza is late. What if I had plans later? What if, in 50 minutes the goat gets shaved and the orgy starts? Are they honestly saying that I would have to stop the festivities to answer the door for some dickhead who felt that 45 minutes wasn't fast enough to deliver a pizza it took 15 minutes to cook, 2 miles, and not even get compensated for it with free shit? Talk about an inconvenience!
This is all a moot point, because my pizza was on time. I answer the door and tip the 35 year old high school drop out (or he could have been military with a second job as well). Either way, I wished he would have fallen down my stairs on his way back to his car. I set my pizza down and get sidetracked. Fast forward a few hours, I start to think: "Boy, some pepperoni, pineapple, black olive, extra cheese pan pizza from Papa John's sure would be good right about now, good thing I placed that order early, and it arrived on time". I open my box, and low and behold, I am the proud owner of a pineapple, black olive, extra cheese and FUCKING SAUSAGE pizza. For those of you who are unaware, I cannot stand sausage on my pizza. Putting sausage on my pizza is worse than slapping me in the face or hitting on my mom.
I inspect the box to see if the order was fucked from the get go, or if the waste of life burnout who put the toppings on my pizza was just retarded (I am banking on both). Conveniently, my order was left off of my pizza box, but, it did say "This pizza experience has been managed by Greg O".
Fuck Greg O, I hope this motherfucker gets cancer....RIGHT IN THE NUTS. Before you get all high and mighty and start judging, I don't hope he dies from it. I just hope they have to castrate his ass and he goes through the rest of his life without nuts, and has to go on hormones, and the sudden rise in testosterone causes his body to rise his estrogen level; thus, giving him bitch tits. And, that the stress of having no nuts and tits, cause him to lose his hair. That way, he will be a nutless, nice rack having bald fuck. That'll teach that dickless cocksucker to "Manage" sausage onto my pizza experience.
So, I hit up my usual order (pan pizza with pepperoni, black olives, pineapple and extra cheese). I get my confirmation e-mail that it will be delivered, hot to my door, in 45 monutes or less. They conveniently leave out the "or free" clause. This way they can show up late as fuck and tell you to sit on it. I hate those corporate, money grubbing cocksuckers. I should be entitled to free shit if my pizza is late. What if I had plans later? What if, in 50 minutes the goat gets shaved and the orgy starts? Are they honestly saying that I would have to stop the festivities to answer the door for some dickhead who felt that 45 minutes wasn't fast enough to deliver a pizza it took 15 minutes to cook, 2 miles, and not even get compensated for it with free shit? Talk about an inconvenience!
This is all a moot point, because my pizza was on time. I answer the door and tip the 35 year old high school drop out (or he could have been military with a second job as well). Either way, I wished he would have fallen down my stairs on his way back to his car. I set my pizza down and get sidetracked. Fast forward a few hours, I start to think: "Boy, some pepperoni, pineapple, black olive, extra cheese pan pizza from Papa John's sure would be good right about now, good thing I placed that order early, and it arrived on time". I open my box, and low and behold, I am the proud owner of a pineapple, black olive, extra cheese and FUCKING SAUSAGE pizza. For those of you who are unaware, I cannot stand sausage on my pizza. Putting sausage on my pizza is worse than slapping me in the face or hitting on my mom.
I inspect the box to see if the order was fucked from the get go, or if the waste of life burnout who put the toppings on my pizza was just retarded (I am banking on both). Conveniently, my order was left off of my pizza box, but, it did say "This pizza experience has been managed by Greg O".
Fuck Greg O, I hope this motherfucker gets cancer....RIGHT IN THE NUTS. Before you get all high and mighty and start judging, I don't hope he dies from it. I just hope they have to castrate his ass and he goes through the rest of his life without nuts, and has to go on hormones, and the sudden rise in testosterone causes his body to rise his estrogen level; thus, giving him bitch tits. And, that the stress of having no nuts and tits, cause him to lose his hair. That way, he will be a nutless, nice rack having bald fuck. That'll teach that dickless cocksucker to "Manage" sausage onto my pizza experience.
You know what really grinds my gears?
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